Just To Tell You
by Queen Angelblood
Summary: Drawn together by fate, yet forced apart by society, can Yamagata and Kai find a 'happily ever after? [YAOI]
1. Somewhere I Belong

(A/N: Am I ready to crash and burn? Hell yeah! This is my first time posting in this section...eh heh. I'm a little nervous about this. This is my first serious piece of Akira writing. It's slightly A/U, set probably before the events of the movie. It's also YAOI between Yamagata and Kai. So, don't like that, don't read it. Each of the chapters are based loosely around one of Linkin Park's songs, whose title will then accompany the chapter [if that makes any sense.]Umm....not quite sure what the fic should be rated, but meh. So far, the fic mentions rape and incest, but its not quite "directly" stated. I'm looking forward to feedback on my writing [hint hint] and would greatly appreciate any comments you have. Please, enjoy the fic. Thank you.)  
  
/..../ =Thinking  
  
//...// =Subconcious "other" voice. (Ya know, the ones inside your head? Or am I just odd?)  
  
Disclaimer: I'm Angelblood, or Abee. I'm a poor, 15-year-old fanfic writer without a life and/or job. Add it up. What do you get? "Abee doesn't own Akira." Good, you guys can do math. ^^   
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 1: Somewhere I Belong  
  
The sun sank low over the city, casting frantic Neo-Tokyo in its ancient golden glow. The buildings became dark masses, blocking the view of the horizon. Brakelights glowed and glinted in the fading light. A soft wind blew, gently sending old newspapers skittering down the rancid sidewalk.   
  
Kai drew heavily on his cigarette, watching the night city unfold all around him. /Another sleepless night. Great./   
  
He looked down and flicked the smoking thing in his hand away. The wind rolled it over several times , lifting its smoke high into the air. Kai jammed his hands into his pockets, studying the ground beneath his feet intently. His eyes narrowed in thought. /Why me? Why couldn't it be someone else? Someone who could handle this?/   
  
He looked skywards with a sigh. The blazing sunset was surreal and didn't provide him the answers he was looking for. /I'm so confused.../  
  
It was true. Confusion had pulled itself over him now, drowning him in it. It crept over him now, making his mind twist in frustration and his stomach churn with the sticky, heavy sickness he couldn't seem to shake. This made no sense to him and he couldn't do this, but somewhere, he was going to have to make a choice, a descion...  
  
What if he made the wrong one? Would it screw him up like last time? Or worse? Fear. It wrapped its cold icy claws about him, smirking at him like a devious lover, holding him in place and making him sweat with anxiety. The sick feeling intensified. He felt small. He felt insignificant. He felt so helpless, so weak. He wanted to sink to his knees and cry, but he didn't. He wouldn't, he couldn't - his pride, or what was left of it, wouldn't let him. Instead, he stayed silent, said nothing. It was stupid to be hurt over such a silly thing anyways. But...   
  
A mother wasn't supposed to touch a son like that, was she? All his life, he's been told it was wrong and it was bad and it was sick, disgusting, dirty and a hundred other ugly words. What did that make him? Did it make him wrong and bad and disgusting? Did those words apply to the violator alone, or to the victim as well?   
  
The pain, still as fresh as the day it'd happened, bubbled up inside him, burning his heart and making it wrench and twist in its death throes. She wasn't supposed to do that. She was his mother, or had been, and she wasn't supposed to do that, to touch him like that, to do that to him against his will. She was his mother and it was okay for her to do that with grown-up men, like the ones she'd brought home, but not to him. Never to him.   
  
Sex. The thought of it repulsed him, made him sick, made him want to cry, want to bash his head against a wall to escape the thoughts that always followed the word. Seeing the others do stuff with their girlfriends made him queasy, light-headed and dizzy. He always felt like he was going to faint. Sometimes, he wished he would, just to escape the sights and sounds.   
  
She'd done this to him and he didn't think he'd ever get away from it. That day had changed his life - he'd never seen her again. And despite what she'd done, he could remember spending long nights with tears on his cheeks, wishing for the mother he'd known before then. The sweet, caring mother who hugged him gently when he was scared or hurt. The one who smiled and gave him candy when he did something right. The one who held his hand when he was too scared to do anything at all. The one who read him bed-time stories. But she was gone, dead to him and he was alone, without a friend in this cold, empty place.   
  
And he'd dreamt about it - and he still did - and he woke screaming, sweating, crying, vainly trying to escape the prying hands that terrorized him from the corners of his mind. He'd closed off the world, rarely speaking, keeping to himself. He'd loved her and she'd hurt him and broke him and left him alone. What good was friendship if all it did was hurt him? What good was love if it was only going to break him? And yet...  
  
He wanted to be told that it was okay and that he wasn't a freak because this had happened. It wouldn't happen, it couldn't happen because it wasn't true. It wasn't okay and he was a freak. He blamed himself - it was all his fault that she'd done that to him. Maybe if he hadn't cried so much, maybe if he whadn't been such a scaredy-cat, hadn't messed up so much. Maybe then she wouldn't have done it. But he'd been all those things and she'd done it and it was all his fault.  
  
A part of him deep down knew that it wasn't really his fault but hers. But she was his mother and somehow, he couldn't blame her and he'd buried the truth with lies. It was his fault people called him a freak. And he was. He couldn't bring himself to look at girls like the others did. He was afraid of them, as if he got too close, they'd hurt him again.   
  
And now this. People stared out him, stepped out of his way, avoided him, whispered vile things about him to each other. "Fag," they said. They called him names. A few kids, the ones who weren't afraid of catching this so-called disease of his, had beat him up a couple of times. He remembered how dirt tasted - vile and dusty in his mouth and nose as they shoved his face into the ground. He remembered their jeers and the bruises their kicks and punches had left on him. He remembered spitting dirt and blood and picking gravel out of soon-to-be infected cuts. This was what he deserved. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he just fit in with everyone else? He didn't belong here anymore, just like he didn't belong any where else.   
  
Where would he go? There was no where he knew of, no one he knew of. All he knew had been this life. Now, even the gang avoided him like the plague. They wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't go near him. He felt like curling up and dying. He doubted anyone would notice, let alone care.   
  
Slowly, he turned away from the street, preparing to head back up to the place he called "home". Life really wasn't so bad. He had a place to go and spend the long nights, staring up at the cracked ceiling until he felt that his eyes would fall out of their sockets. There was food in the cupboard, he supposed, though he hadn't checked in a while. He really didn't feel like eating anymore. Best of all, he could lock the door and shut the blinds. He could lie down and sob himself silly and complain to his pillow, the ever-patient listener to his pettiness. He could take the knife to his skin and part it gently, make blood ooze out of his body, remind himself that he was still alive, that this was real. He really shouldn't be complaining. There were people who didn't have these luxuries.  
  
Still, he couldn't help but feel alone. He couldn't help but be confused. His shoes clicked on the grimy, dusty stairs. The hot air shimmered in the city behind him. He slid into the place, the rathole he called "home", shutting the door behind him. He faced the room where another night of tears and loneliness awaited him.   
  
/I wanna change this.../  
  
He swept a pile of clothes out of the way with his foot. "There. I changed something."  
  
//Not what you meant.//  
  
He looked disappointedly at the 'change', choking back a sob. /What am I?/  
  
//Alone.//  
  
/I don't wanna be alone./  
  
//Then change it.//  
  
/How?/  
  
//Tell somebody.//  
  
He whimpered. /Nobody would listen to me.../  
  
But as he thought it, his gaze wandered to the phone. There was one person above all others he really wanted to call, to talk to. //So call him.//  
  
He acted on that before he could think it through and before he'd realized what he was doing, he had the reciever in his hand and had dialed the number. /What am I doing?/  
  
The phone was ringing. He swallowed. /I should just hang up./  
  
Too late. There was a click and the voice he'd been dying to hear echoed through his ears. "Hello?"  
  
He swallowed and managed to squeak, "Yamagata?"  
  
The voice on the other end of the line was annoyed. "Yes?"  
  
Kai swallowed and decided that just babbling was better than saying nothing. "Yamagata, it's me, Kai and-"   
  
Click. The line went dead. Slowly, Kai put the reciever back on the cradle. He was alone.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
[A/N: Soooooo....whaddya think? R&R and let me know what you think.] 


	2. Don't Stay

(A/N: *dies* O____O Tallulah, Grammar Songtress reviewed my fic! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! X_____X I'm a huge fan of your fic, "Out of the Ashes" (I don't have the guts to contact people. I'm chicken-shite.). Glad you liked it. And yes, this place needs more yaoi. -_- I'm a huge yaoi fanatic. There's lots of yaoi in the other section I contribute to, so the lack of yaoi here was a little disappointing to me. But after all, it's quality we're after not quantity, right? And there surely is a lot of quality in the yaoi fics there are. I'll stop ranting now. I know I over-write stuff, I do it all the time. Its pretty much habitual. -_- I need to work on that....Ne wayz, thanks for reviewing! ^^ Shannon reviewed my fic! *dies yet again* X____X I'm a huge fan of your site (which is what got me hooked on Kai/Yama to begin with)! Yes, we will rule the world! MWHA! *chokes and dies* ......Ne wayz, on with the fic......)  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 2: Don't Stay  
  
A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. /Who could that be?/  
  
He crept over and opened the door. He blinked in surprise. "Yamagata?"  
  
The taller boy grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head. "I, uh....you sounded upset."  
  
He looked at Kai, still grinning apologetically. Kai wanted to cry. Somebody did care, a bit at least. Somebody cared and they were here and he wasn't alone. He wasn't alone. He wiped tears away with his forearm. "Hey. What's wrong?"   
  
Yamagata grabbed Kai by the shoulders. Kai latched onto the other boy, hugging him tightly. Yamagata froze. "Uh...Kai?"  
  
The short brunette looked up at him, then looked away and loosened his grip. "Oh. Sorry."  
  
He backed away, retreating back past the doorframe. "Come in?" he asked, stepping aside.  
  
Yamagata hesitated. "I...err....what the heck."  
  
He stepped inside, looking about. "So....what's up?"  
  
Kai shrugged. "Nothing really."   
  
He stepped away and Yamagata shut the door. "Nothing's wrong, huh?"  
  
"No...not really."  
  
He followed Kai into the small area designated as the "kitchen." "Can I get you something?"  
  
He shook his head. "Nah. I'm fine."   
  
He sat down at the table and regarded Kai. "You're sure you're okay?"  
  
Kai nodded and joined him at the table. "I...uh...just got a little...err...lonely."  
  
He looked at the table, a small blush creeping over his features. Yamagata didn't reply. Kai looked up. Yamagata was practically glaring at him. "So, why'd you call me?"   
  
His tone was deadly, accusing, harsh and grating on Kai's ears. He didn't reply. Instead he looked away.  
  
"You ain't thinkin'-"  
  
Yamagata didn't finish his sentence. He leaned forward, glowering at Kai. "'Cause I ain't..."  
  
Kai looked at him through his bangs, trying to force the ideas his words were forcing up away. There was a terse silence, Yamagata awaiting an answer; Kai struggling with himself. /I can't, I won't.../  
  
Reflex. He grabbed Yamagata's wrist, chaining the startled boy to the table. Yamagata blinked and tried to pull back, almost half-heartedly. Kiss. Such a simple, natural action. Lips met lips and brushed against each other. Yamagata pulled away, shaking Kai off him. The chair clattered to the floor as he stood up rapidly. He glared daggers at Kai. His lip curled upwards in a sneer. "Faggot. Keep it to yourself, ya freak."   
  
He turned away, heading for the door. Kai glowered, hot tears burning at his eyes. The angry words had burnt him. "Baka yaro."  
  
The words were poison. Yamagata turned back, eyes ablaze. "What did you say?"  
  
"Baka yaro."  
  
Kai tried to steady his voice, to keep the fear from leaking through. Yamagata charged across the floor, hauling Kai up by his collar. "I wouldn't talk, you fucking homo!"   
  
Mentally, Kai grinned as he pecked Yamagata on the cheek. The taller boy threw him into the wall like he'd been burnt. "I ain't like that, you fag!"   
  
"So what?"  
  
"I'm not gonna be like...like you!"   
  
The older boy stormed back across the floor. "You know what? You can stay the fuck away from me! You come near me and I'm gonna fucking kill you!"   
  
"Fine! I don't care anyways!"   
  
"Freak!"  
  
"Motherfucker!"   
  
The door slammed and the light fixture rocked, scattering dim light about the room. Kai glowered at the door. "Glad he's gone," he muttered, trying to convince himself more than anything else.  
  
"I don't need anybody, anyways."  
  
Still, he couldn't help the sinking feeling. At least Yamagata had been someone to talk to. Now he was alone again and the silence was eating away at him. /I don't need him. I don't need anybody./  
  
He glanced at the window, at the broken blind, at the rotting mattress that served as a "bed". He whimpered. He'd tried to change this. Really, he had. But Yamagata had gone and screwed it up. Yeah, it was all Yamagata's fault, not his. If...if he hadn't been so...so goddamn homophobic, everything would be okay. Everything would be alright. But it wasn't and he was alone again. /Don't need him anyways./  
  
He wandered over to the bed, flopping down. Tears coursed their way down his cheeks, soothing the red of anger, humiliation and hate. /That was the stupidest thing I've ever done.../  
  
He'd lost Yamagata as a friend, probably the only friend he'd had left. //Yeah, well. He probably wouldn't have been your friend much longer anyways.//  
  
This wasn't helping. If anything, this was making him even more miserable. //What would you have done if he hadn't of left?//  
  
Cold, miserable silence bore down on him from all sides. Even his strangled sobs couldn't break the quiet around him. He whimpered and rolled over onto his stomach, burying his face into the cool of the pillow. /Didn't need him anyways.../  
  
Alone. It was the only thing his mind could think of. Why had he done that? It had been so natural and thoughtless - why? Yamagata was the only person left in his crumbling life and now....and now-  
  
Why?! It was so stupid and careless and now, now he had nothing left and nobody left to cling to. He sobbed into the pillow pathetically. He hiccupped and sat up, wiping tears from his face. It was no good crying. /Didn't want him to stay anyways./  
  
He sniffed. /Don't want him anyways./  
  
He sat on the bed, staring at the wall blankly. /Better on my own./  
  
He felt weak and helpless. /Don't want him back....okay, maybe a bit.../  
  
He blinked and suddenly, he was angry. /I can't believe he did that...I trusted him. I thought he was my friend./  
  
This is what he'd been afraid of. Ever since THAT, he'd never given anybody his trust, his friendship. And now he had and now it had blown up in his face again, hurt him again. /Stupid bastard./  
  
He didn't need Yamagata. He didn't need friends. He didn't need anybody - hell, he'd survived this long without them. Yamagata ignored him anyways, just like everyone else did. What kind of friend was that? Certainly not a good one. /Better that he's gone./  
  
He wasn't going to spend any more time wishing he had friends, wishing he wasn't alone. He didn't care anymore. He just didn't. Why should he? Being alone hurt him as much as being with people, so what did it matter which choice he made? It didn't. No, that was it. That was the final straw. He was sick of it; sick of being sick with want. Absolutely enough. He curled up on the bed, tears starting down his cheeks, the ever-constant sickness melding with his "anger". He choked back a sob or two, biting his lip. He couldn't do this.  
  
He clutched at the tattered sheets, wrapping his hands about them tightly. He was too weak to make it on his own. He hated this! /Do something about it then,/ the voice in his head mocked, taunting him because he knew he couldn't do any thing at all. /Don't stay.../  
  
He sobbed, trying to force away thoughts of what he was still, stupidly, hoping for. He wanted Yamagata back. /Forget everything...it doesn't matter any more./  
  
He wanted Yamagata back.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
[A/N: I'm not trying to make out to be a "cry-baby" or anything. He's just severely depressed. ^_^  
  
Kai: 9_9 Joy.  
  
Abee: R&R, please?] 


	3. Lying From You

(A/N: Thanks, Tallulah! ^^;;; Unfortunately, I think I've gone back to the "unnatural" prose. I have this all written out already and am too damn lazy to bother to change it. And of course I like your fic, who wouldn't?! It's so good! And world domination is just a step away...*plots* =D On with the fic!)  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 3: Lying From You  
  
Yamagata stormed into the dorm, slamming the door behind him. The light fixture rocked and plaster crumbled from the ceiling. /Fucking faggot./  
  
The scowl was set firmly on his face, although his eyes denoted internal unsettlement. /Why'd he have to do that? I-I'm...it's disgusting./  
  
Subconciously, he scrubbed his lips with his forearm, as if trying toremove the 'affliction.' He looked at his open palm. "I can't believe he did that..."  
  
Stupid Kai. why'd he have to go and do that - stir up all the insecurities and indescion he'd finally managed to bury?  
  
/Stupid Kai./  
  
He glanced about the room, looking for something to distract him, but found nothing. He growled. He didn't want to deal with this right now. He didn't want to think about this now, or ever. //Scared of the truth?//  
  
He shook his head. "No. Not scared."  
  
//Unsure?//  
  
He shifted a bit, having no choice but to think about this. Kai was his friend, right? He was concerned about him, so what? It didn't mean anything. Did it? /Nah.../  
  
It couldn't. And still, the uncertainties plagued him. Did he even want to go there? /Maybe he's crazy./  
  
Part of him really, really hoped so, because then he could forget about this and everything could go back to normal. But would it? Kai had kissed him and the sensation still burnt on his lips, whether he wanted to forget or not. He placed a finger to his lips, then pulled it away and looked at it intently. He knew Kai wasn't insane. Some part of him knew that Kai had meant what he'd done in the sincerest of ways. That freaked him out.  
  
Kai and him were friends, and that was it. Nothing more. Never anything more. He couldn't bring himself to admit anything else than that, not even to himself. Somewhere, sometime, something had convinced him that even thinking this was wrong.  
  
He couldn't deny the fact he was though, the exact thing he'd freaked out on Kai for. Hell, he'd done it once or twice before and it wasn't so bad.   
  
/This is for your own good.../  
  
He couldn't deny himself the fact that he liked the other boy - found him attractive, liked his company. In the deep, dark corners of his mind, he'd even fathomed taking him to bed a couple times. But those were his private thoughts and he could deprive Kai of them. He wouldn't admit to Kai that he liked him; he wouldn't admit to Kai he was that way. He couldn't. Even if the other boy liked him back and had dispelled any fears of rejection. Even if Kai was upset over his rejection.   
  
It was safer this way. It wasn't so much he was scared of what people would do when they figured it out. It was more or less the fact he knew he'd disappoint Kai, make him cry. Even if he didn't mean it. Fuck, look what he'd done already. He'd known right from the start, he was going to hurt Kai. He was too tempermental for his own good. So, he'd lied, lied to keep the distance between them, to maintain the pretense of 'friendship', even if he did want to offer Kai more. He'd lied to keep tears off that pretty face; he'd lied to save them both. //And look what you've done now...//  
  
Either way, he was screwed; either way, Kai was hurt. Why hadn't Kai taken the hint when he'd started ignoring him with the others? Why? Was he really that blind? Or just love-sick and lonely? He'd been trying to save them both heart-break, but now, it was out of hand. Kai had come right back and kissed him and things were spiralling beyond his control. He couldn't save them now; couldn't keep tears off Kai's face.   
  
Why wouldn't Kai just let him go? Give up on him? He'd been trying to act uninterested all this time. Had Kai known it was an act, seen right through his show? Had he known the real reason he'd tried to spend as much time with him as possible without being conspicous? He must have, or he would have never made such a bold move. It was too out of character - Kai was kind of shy. /Just let me go...it's better for you.../  
  
Somedays, he hated Fate. She could be a cruel bitch and right now, she was spiteful and he hated her. Why had she seen it fitting to do this to them? The last thing he wanted was to hurt Kai. /I'm so sorry.../  
  
Maybe Kai was playing games with him, trying to get him angry. He shook his head. No, Kai wouldn't do that. Guilt weighed heavy on his mind. He should apologize. But part of him was still angry, stirring a rage that made him queasy, made his heart trip faster.   
  
He needed to apologize, to say it was okay. But it wasn't okay. //Just apologize then.//  
  
"Leave me alone."  
  
Click and then it was over. Yamagata blinked, trying to place what Kai had said.   
  
'Leave me alone.' Had his words left that much of a sting? Thinking back on it, they had. And he'd meant them too. And now he was sorry. But Kai wasn't listening, was crying and grieving his heart and was angry with him.   
  
Guilt. It hung heavy over him, like a dark thunder-cloud and weighed him down. He felt slow and clumsy. He felt bad, horrible. He wanted to apologize and Kai wouldn't allow him that relief. He supposed it served him right for breaking him like that.   
  
He wanted to cut out his own poisonous tongue. He wanted to tear his heart out and stomp on it just so he could sympathsize. He wanted to apologize.   
  
Things would blow over and they'd still be friends, right? He didn't know. /I'm so sorry...I never meant for this to happen./  
  
Light from the streetlamp cascaded across the floor. He glanced at the window, seeing the deepening darkness outside and realized just how long he'd been standing there. And he still hadn't figured anything out. He crawled to his cot and lay down heavily, spread-eagle, watching the ceiling. He wanted to - and needed to - apologize to Kai. Somehow, somewhere. /Just let go.....It's for your own good.../ 


	4. Faint

(A/N: Thank you Tallulah! ^O^ I feel loved...Nevermind me, I'm just crazy. ^^;;;   
  
Yamagata: *is currently being huggled and is appeased* ^^   
  
Abee: -_- Ne who.....Glad to hear it wasn't as unnatural as I thought. ^^ And I know Yama's thoughts were a little to "elegant"...or I dunno what you'd call it....Yama ain't the brightest bubl in th box, ne?  
  
Yama: ¬_¬ *contemplates murder*  
  
Abee: ^^;;; Glad you liked it. and I will keep writing...I think....*is wary of Yama, who is in the corner, plotting* O_o;;;;  
  
On with the fic....)  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 4: Faint  
  
Kai slammed the reciever down, biting down on a sob. /Stupid bastard./  
  
Why did he have to call? He was reminded now of the silence of his lonliness, of the quiet that resounded. Oh, what did he care anyways? Yamagata was an asshole, just like everyone else. And it bothered him. In a spot, even secret to himself, he liked Yamagata - a lot, actually. More than he'd like to admit. That's why he'd kissed him, why he'd taken that chance. And deep down, it hurt him when Yamagata kept the distance and put up walls. He was tired of Yamagata ignoring him and acting like they were "just friends." They both knew it ran deeper than that.   
  
Until now, he'd just put it down as a Yamagata "thing" - it was just the way Yamagata was and it didn't bother him that much. But now, it did. He was sick of it. He was sick of Yamagata ignoring him, ignoring what they had. He was tied of being left in the dust, tired of having Yamagata's back turned to him. He was sick of listening to his heart and its wounded beat. /So, why put up with it?/  
  
He could leave, treat Yamagata the same way, be alone and heartbroken. He couldn't do that, couldn't bring himself not to be near Yamagata, not to talk to Yamagata. It made him feel sick. /So, confront him./  
  
He liked that idea even less and his stomach agreed, churning nervously whenever he thought it. What if he did confront Yamagata, but he had been reading the other boy all wrong? It wouldn't be pretty - Yamagata could be tempermental and violent, especially when he was accused of something. /You're never going to get him if you don't talk to him./  
  
He swallowed nervously. That was right. He wouldn't ever get what he wanted if her kept being such chicken-shit. His gaze wandered to the phone. /So, change it./  
  
His hands shook with the nervousness of indecision. He couldn't really change anything, could he? He squeezed his eyes shut. Time wouldn't make him less alone; it wouldn't make him any less afraid. In fact, he'd probably be more miserable than he was right now. /Change it./  
  
It was now or never. He didn't think he ever have the courage to do this, but desperation was making him bold. Hell, he'd already kissed him - what else did he have to left loose?  
  
Everything and anything. But still...  
  
His eyes wandered to the door. /Change it./  
  
He grabbed his jacket and dashed out the door, shutting it firmly behind him.  
  
~*~*~*  
  
The door swung open and crashed into the wall. Yamagata jumped and looked up.   
  
Kai walked boldly into the apartment, slamming the door shut. "You and I are going to talk, Yamagata."   
  
Yamagata stared at him, wild-eyed, then narrowed his gaze. "Oh yeah? What's there to talk about?"  
  
Kai walked over to him, looking up at him, almost angrily. "Us."  
  
Yamagata nearly choked, surprise making his heart leap up into his throat. "Us?"  
  
Kai nodded. Yamagata laughed. "Us? Us?! You idiot! There is no 'us'!"   
  
Kai gritted his teeth. "Don't you tell me that, you fucking liar!There is an us and don't fucking well deny it!"   
  
He shoved Yamagata, putting all his frustration into the action. Yamagata stumbled back a bit, surprised by Kai. The smaller boy was suddenly face to face with him again. "I like you, Yamagata. I like you a lot. And I know you like me. So, why do you keep throwing me away?!"  
  
Tears burned at his eyes.  
  
"Why do you keep coming back?! Why won't you just leave me alone?! There is no 'us', there has never been an 'us'- there can't be an 'us'-"  
  
"Why not?!"  
  
"Because it's for your own good!"  
  
"For my own good?! That's bullshit!"  
  
Yamagata grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him roughly. "Don't you get it?! You're my friend! I don't wanna hurt you, Kai!"  
  
"You think this isn't?!" Kai screamed.  
  
"I don't wanna loose you, Kai!"  
  
Yamagata shook him again and he started crying. He couldn't help it. The tears flooded out of his eyes, dribbling down his cheeks. Yamagata gathered him up in his arms. He sobbed into Yamagata's shoulder, clenching fistfuls of the other boy's shirt as he cried. Yamagata nuzzled the top of Kai's head, hugging the other boy tightly. "I'm sorry, Kai-chan."  
  
Kai lifted his head, sniffling loudly. "Why can't you just let this happen?"  
  
Yamagata looked at him sorrowfully. "I ...can't let me hurt you, Kai. I'd hurt you if it did happen."  
  
"Why won't you just listen to me?"  
  
"Kai-"  
  
"No. Just shut up and listen! I like you and I don't want you to ignore me. I want this to happen!"  
  
"I can't, Kai! I- It wouldn't be pretty. It wouldn't last long and- Why can't you just leave this alone?!"   
  
"'Cause we're more than friends and you know it! Please, Yamagata! Please!"  
  
He looked pleadingly at the older boy, who looked away. "I can't, Kai-"  
  
"We can! Just- Just give us a chance!"   
  
He returned to his broken sobbing, burying his face in Yamagata's shoulder. Yamagata sighed and wrapped his arms about Kai, looking guiltily at the floor. "Shh, Kai. Shh."  
  
He rubbed Kai's back as the boy continued crying, almost hysterically. "Shh, Kai-koi. I know, I know." 


	5. Easier To Run

(A/N: Well...I've been slow with updates and lookit what I churn out. 9_9 This chapter's one of the shortest. I feel so bad for keeping people waiting for something like...this. *kicks chapter* Sorry. I'll try to get the next chappie up sooner, and it'll be longer too. Ne who, thankies for the reviews! ^O^ Tallulah: I'm glad you liked the way I wrote Kai. ^^ And I'm so very glad you like the fic. ^^   
  
Sta-san: I'm glad you like the fic so far and thanks again for the pressie! That so made my day! ^O^   
  
Sarfox: I'm glad you like the fic. ^^   
  
And again, sorry for the shortness of the chapter. Now, on with the fic!)  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 5: Easier To Run  
  
Yamagata sat down heavily on the edge of his bed. He stared at the floor, chewing his lip, trying to sort this out. Kai liked him and he liked Kai and Kai was right. Why shouldn't this happen? It seemed natural, it was more natural than anything else in this fucked up life. But, it wasn't natural, at least, not by society's standards and therefore, it shouldn't happen.  
  
Shunned. It was a funny word. It grated on his ears and its meaning was terribly clear. It echoed, constantly, off the walls of his head, reverberating. /Queers./  
  
The guys wouldn't be cool with it, wouldn't be comfortable with it. Hell, he wouldn't be comfortable with it if it was anyone else. He knew what he'd say if somebody told him that. /Afraid of a little name calling?/  
  
He'd never let anything bother him before. Maybe it was because it wouldn't be in fun this time. Or from random starngers he'd never see again in his life. But, was he really scared of it? Maybe it was the fact Kai would be receiving nasty words too- well, more of them at least. Everyone already said shit about Kai.   
  
Wasn't Kai used to that by now? No. Kai was sort of...fragile, almost. He'd been like that as long as Yamagata had known him. He wasn't stable. The wrong word would make him collapse in a sobbing heap or, on the odd occasion, make him angry. Violent, dangerous.   
  
Which was another reason to avoid this whole thing. /I'd say something stupid and set him off. I just know I would./  
  
He'd said a couple of stupid things to his girlfriend and she'd been upset or pissed off - it was hard to tell with girls. But Kai...Kai was different, more extreme. Whatever you said, he took it to heart. If this thing ever did happen - which it wouldn't - they'd get into a fight and Kai'd probably slit his wrists or something like that. Or he'd try to kill him. One or the other.   
  
It was different when you fought with a friend, somehow less meaningful, less serious. It was so much easier this way. So much less risk, less chance. But...but...   
  
Kai had been so upset and so scared and helpless. It had felt good to hold him in his arms and know that he was the sole comfort for the boy he loved. That was right - he loved him. And caused him so much pain-  
  
/Yamagata. The cause and solution to all of Kai's problems./  
  
He snorted and felt tears burn at the corners of his eyes. He didn't want to do this to Kai, to make him cry like that. It was horrible and each tear broke his heart a million times over. And still, he couldn't reach the depth of the pain that thrived in Kai's eyes and the sadness that bled out everytime he cried. But this was better, wasn't it? No name-calling, no confusing couple-fights or couple-stuff, just...just...  
  
Tears and a broken heart. /I...I really didn't mean to make him cry...I...It's better this way.../  
  
The excuse was so feeble, so weak, that it was flattened by his mind a moment later, with a thousand questions and comments it couldn't withstand. It fell, meeting its demise and the excuse was dead. He had nothing to hide behind anymore. He had no choice but to face the facts. Cold, hard truth bit into him, angrily. It laughed at him.  
  
He'd been such a coward all this time. He was scared of this. So scared, it had numbed him and forced him to hide from it. Fuck, he'd been so blind, so stupid-  
  
"I'm so sorry Kai..."  
  
His voice was barely above a whisper, choked with tears and regret. He gritted his teeth and tried to stop the tears in his eyes from spreading their colling cheerlessness. "I'm so sorry."  
  
Nobody could hear him. The objects in his room were the silent witnesses of this. Nobody was listening. 


	6. Breaking The Habit

(A/N: Blah. FF.Net decided to suspend my account again. I think they did it because I promised you guys a quick update. -_- Figures. I've been over-run with my exams and finally found the time to type the story up just now, only to be suspended. -_- This chapter's much longer than the last, but might also be slightly over-written. You guys can be the judge of that. ^^  
  
Thankies for your reviews! ^O^   
  
Tallulah: O_o;;; Perhaps I'm just not seeing how that last chappies was particularily (sp? no spell check....-_-) tragic. ^^;;;; I'm glad you like the idea of Kai being slightly unpredictable with his reactions. *pets unpredictable Kai* His suicidal side should be represented here...somewhere.....I will keep writing and I'm very glad you like the fic. ^^  
  
sfox: Yay! Another KaixYama fan! ^O^ I'm glad you like the fic and I will keep writing. See note above about updates. And Kai ish cute! ^O^ *huggles Kai*  
  
DarkWaterAngel: I'm very glad you like the fic. ^^ Just remember, a good fic is not determined by the amount of reviews it has. ^_~ And lookie, I updated!   
  
On an added note, the next chappie will change the rating to "R." I'm not sure if the chapter's really worthy of it, but I don't wanna get..."caught" by ff.net again. -__- Now, on with the fic!)   
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 6: Breaking the Habit  
  
What was wrong with him? Why didn't Yamagata want anything to do with him? He'd openly admitted he liked him, but-   
  
The heat was heavy and thick, bearing down on him as he studied his reflection in the mirror. /Stupid./  
  
The sky was dark with storm-bruised clouds, threatening rain. /Ugly./  
  
He felt it start to bubble again, that familiar self-loathing, the hate that he burned himself with when he couldn't find anyone else to blame for all this shit. /Worthless. Nobody wants you./  
  
And in his mind, it was true. Nobody wanted him, not his 'friends', not Yamagata. Alone. Always alone and he hated himself for it. He could have fixed it, but he was too weak and stupid. Tears of anger welled up in his eyes as his reflection stared back at him, hating him too.   
  
He screamed and slammed his fist into the glass, letting it shatter and fall to pieces. Blood dripped from his fingers. /Ugly./  
  
His reflection was fragmented now, much like how he felt inside. Broken. /Worthless./  
  
Alone. Confused. He needed somebody to run to, but nobody wanted anything to do with him. Nobody wanted his tears. He looked at the blood dripping from his fingers. Blood. He was still alive. Why should he be? He was nothing. He didn't deserve to live, didn't deserve to cry, to bleed - to do anything humans did. His breath htiched as he picked the shard of glass up between his fingers.   
  
It pricked, pierced the skin and drew more blood. Why hadn't he thought of this before? He wouldn't bother anybody anymore with his tears, his screams. Everything would be still. The churning confusion would fall silent.   
  
Thunder clapped and he jumped. Glass stuck in his foot and it bit into his flesh. He winced and reached down, as if to pull it out. He changed his mind and slammed his foot down, driving the glass into the skin. He cried out a the hurt, then whimpered. /Stupid./  
  
He picked up the glass he'd dropped. He studied it, watched the blood from his fingers blot it red. He reached over and wiped it against the wall, letting it leave a mark with the blood. His breath came faster. He let his hand hover over his arm, holding the glass over the skin, ready to strike. He bit back a cry when he let it bite into him, releasing the blood from his veins. Outside, the heavens opened, rain pouring into the streets below.  
  
~*  
  
Yamagata tugged his jacket tighter around him. The rain poured down, plastering his hair to his head. Thunder boomed and lightening flickered across the sky. Water ran down his face and the rain obscured his vision as he ran. His shoes the slapped the pavement, sending rainwater sloshing into the gutter, up the back of his pants, down his shoes. The air was still humid and stifling, but the rain was cold and he shivered.   
  
Lightening flickered again, blinding him and then, he was there. He scurried into the sheltered stairwell, out of the sotrm. He was soaked and cold and shaking with exertion. He didn't think he'd ever run so far or so fast in his life. His breath was harsh and his legs felt like jelly. The only thing keeping him moving was the sick feeling of guilt and worry knotting in his stomach.   
  
He clattered up the stairs. He didn't care how loud he was, who he woke up-  
  
He stopped outside a familiar door. Taking another shaky breath, he tried the door. It swung open, revealing the messy apartment he'd stood in only a matter of hours ago and fought with-  
  
"Kai?" he asked of the room and stepped inside, shutting the door.   
  
The living room and kitchenette were empty. Panic began to build. What if he wasn't here? He checked the bedroom. Nothing. Where was he? Walking the streets by himself, sinking into cold misery and drowning in-  
  
"Kai?!"   
  
His voice was shrill and shaking , panic filtering into it no matter how hard he tried to keep it steady. He peered into the bathroom. Relief washed over him as he saw Kai, huddled on the floor. Panic returned however, when he saw the blood. It was everywhere. "Kai!"  
  
He got down on his knees and shook the smaller boy, and was rewarded with a small groan of agony. He looked at the other boy's face. Kai opened his eyes a bit. He was pale - God, he looked so tired, so sick. His face was peaked and drawn. Even his eyes seemed washed out.   
  
"Here," he said weakly and his voice was jaded and breaking.   
  
He opened his hand a bit. Yamagata looked at what the younger boy was offering him. The glass was sharp and stained with blood, just like everything else. Yamagata noticed then the glass on the floor, the broken mirror.   
  
Gritting his teeth, he tugged on the glass that had been embedded in Kai's foot and removed it. Kai howled in pain. Blood seeped out of the wound.   
  
"Goddamn you! You're not gonna die!"  
  
Tears ran down his cheeks. He couldn't, he wouldn't, let Kai die. He scrambled to his feet and started rooting through the cupboard. He threw everything to the floor and when at last the cupboard was empty, he had successfully found some gauze. He turned back to Kai. The boy looked worse than before. Moving back to his former position, he started winding the gauze about Kai's arms tightly.   
  
The smaller boy winced.   
  
"Goddamnit, you're not gonna die. You're not."  
  
He looked up at Kai.  
  
"Just let me go."  
  
The voice was barely above a whisper, so tired, so weak.   
  
"No! Goddamnit, you're not gonna die Kaisuke! You're not gonna die!"   
  
He tied the gauze off. Having wrapped both wounds, he took the boy in his arms. "I'm not gonna let you," he whispered, then nuzzled the boy's cheek affectionately. Tears streamed down his face and his shoulders shook slightly. "I'm not gonna let you." 


	7. From The Inside

(A/N: Thankies for the reviews! ^O^ Tallulah: I'm glad you liked the chapter and I suppose overwritten would be better than underwritten. I just thought the weather was fitting for a chapter like that. o_O I'm odd, I know. ^^ Thakies for clarifying what you meant with the "tragic" comment. Poor guys are miserable. *pets poor Kai and Yama*  
  
Kai & Yama: *devise evil plan to kill Abee*  
  
Abee: O_o;;; Ne who....DarkWaterAngel: Glad you like the story and Kai doesn't die...yet. *evil grin* And yes, lo and behold, this is THE steamy love scene! The one and only in the entire fic. Enjoy. ^^  
  
Vera f: I'm glad you like the fic and I'm glad you like KaixYama. ^^ The last chapter wasn't the "r" rated chapter, this one is. Lo and behold it is the "lemon" (sex!) scene.   
  
Fire Griffin: Mwha! We'll change you into a Kai/Yama fan yet. *evil grin* Just kidding. ^^ I'm glad you like the fic and Kai/Yama. And this is just my take on why Kai acts the way he does (in the movie). He's kinda quiet and he seems really clingy. Just lookit the way he follows Yama and Kaneda around. O__o;;;;; There's got to be a reason for that....I'll stop blathering now, I'm making no sense. And Kai is pleased with the gift of the donut.  
  
Kai: *munches happily on donut and waves* ^O^   
  
Abee: ^^;;; I'm glad I'll hear more from you - I like to get feedback from the readers. ^^   
  
And now, a (sorta) warning: this chapter is the "steamy love scene" aka the sex scene. It's pretty "soft" compared to what I normally write, but if you're in any way uncomfortable with the guys doing more than having a make-out session, avert your eyes! Otherwise, read on and enjoy. R&R is always welcome. ^^   
  
ON WITH THE FIC!)  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 7: From The Inside  
  
Kai picked idly at the gauze still wrapped about his forearm. Beside him, Yamagata shifted closer.   
  
Litter tumbled down the empty street in the hot summer breeze. Smoke from Yamagata's cigarette curled into the dusky sky. The sun was turning to liquid gold as it sank in the sky, turning the buildings black and their windows gold-orange. It was still hot, probably hotter than it had been earlier that afternoon. It was even warmer and stickier in the apartment, so much so that it was almost unbearable.   
  
Both boys were silent, thinking and reflecting on the past week of hell. Tensions were worse than ever before. They were quick to exchange harsh words, which, without fail, got them into a scrap, each kicking and scratching and punching and biting, hoping to hurt the other for what they'd said. The brawls always left them in a rather awkward position and embarrassment would mlet into a sweet kiss. Then another and another, each more heated and needy than the last. Hands would tangle and grope and then they'd pull away from each other, angry with the other again. It was some sick cycle and each time, the fight got worse and each make-out session was more needy and hectic.   
  
Their passion fuelled their arguements becuase they shouldn't do it, or Kai was scared or Yamagata suddenly had a new excuse. But they wanted to and before they could get off this sick carousel, they needed to, they had to.   
  
Yamagata exhaled, letting the cigarette dangle loosely from his hand. Kai plucked at the bandages.  
  
It had been a week of sleepless nights and tears and already they were fed-up. Maybe it couldn't work. Neither of them had enough patience to wait for this to play out.   
  
Yamagata shifted again. "Maybe we should...just get this over with."  
  
"Maybe."  
  
Kai plucked at the gauze some more. Yamagata stood up and threw the smoking butt of his cigarette to the ground. "Then let's get it over with. No excuses."  
  
He offered Kai his hand. The younger boy took it and Yamagata pulled him up. They treaded up the stairs in silence. They entered the apartment and Yamagata shut it. He looked at Kai. "You up for this?"  
  
The smaller brunette nodded. "Now or never," he said quietly, almost shyly.   
  
Yamagata took his hand again. "I'll be as gentle as I can," he said earnestly, then nuzzled Kai's cheek fondly.   
  
Lip met lips and then parted, allowing tongue to meet tongue. Yamagata ran his hands up and down Kai's back, trying to somehow soothe the younger boy into the course of action they were taking. Kai hesitantly wrapped his arms about Yamagata's neck. His mouth left Kai's, nipping at the other boy's ear instead. Kai shuddered and groaned lightly.   
  
Yamagata pushed Kai down onto the sofa. He was kissing him again, this time with more need. Kai put his hands in Yamagata's hair and kissed back, mewling into the kiss with pleasure. Hands were moving now, clutching needily, yet shyly at sweaty bodies; touching and eliciting groans and shivers as they roamed.   
  
They broke the kiss and there was a flurry of activity as clothes were removed and flung away, having been rendered useless to their owners. They dove back into it, kissing fervrently, their hands roaming freely, unobstructed. Their breath was harsh and their cheeks were painted a heavy crimson.  
  
Yamagata parted Kai's legs, breaking the kiss as he did so. Kai watched with vague interest. Yamagata smirked and stroked the inside of Kai's thigh. The smaller boy mewled with pleasure. Yamagata bent Kai's leg at the knee, and pulled it up over his shoulder, then repeated the process with the other leg. Kai blinked and shifted a bit, trying to adjust to this odd position.  
  
Something pressed against his virgin entrance and his eyes got wide. He tensed up and his breath came faster.  
  
"Yamagata - "  
  
He looked up at the other boy worriedly. "Yamagata - Yamagata, I'm scared, I don't wanna-"  
  
Yamagata gritted his teeth. "No excuses...Kai."  
  
His breath was laboured and Kai whimpered, fear gripping him. He wanted to cry. "Yamagata! I'm scared - I don't want to do this anymore - Yamagata!"   
  
Yamagata looked at him apologetically. "We agreed....no excuses."  
  
He pushed into Kai. The younger boy was too shocked and too agonized to do anything more than sqeak in pain. Yamagata drove in all the way andKai burst out into noisy tears. "Yamagata, Yamagata! I don't wanna - please, please, it hurts," he sobbed.  
  
Yamagata got down as best he could and kissed Kai, nuzzling his cheek. "Shh. We agreed."  
  
Kai looked at him and whimpered. "I'm scared."  
  
"Shh. You don't trust me, Kai?"  
  
The smaller boy frowned. "'Course I trust you."  
  
"Then you'll let me do this."  
  
Kai fell silent. Yamagata pulled back, then rammed back in. Kai whimpered in pain at the first few thrusts and then, turned to groaning in pleasure. Yamagata reached for Kai's cock, stroking the pulsating shaft as he thrust in and out of Kai. Kai screamed loudly, reaching up and tangling his hands in Yamagata's hair. "Yamagata! Yamagata - harder! Oh, oh!"  
  
Tears trickled down his face as he continued to scream his ecstasy to the world. "God, Yama, harder!"   
  
His eyes shot open and he screamed long and loud. "Yama!"   
  
He dug his nails into Yamagata's back, trying to keep ahold of something steady as he was swept away on a wave of pleasure. Yamagata was the only constant in his world and he clung to him. The older boy grunted and growled, loving the feel of Kai, tight and hot about his aching cock. Kai orgasmed, screaming, bucking up, clenching up. With Kai like that, Yamagata drove in and his seed exploded from his cock, deep inside of Kai. He screamed Kai's name and they collpased in a sweaty, sticky pile of limbs. Kai's legs slid off Yamagata's shoulders. They panted, trying to regain their breath. Yamagata withdrew and found a blanket on the floor and pulled it up.   
  
He crawled up beside Kai, taken the shaken boy in his arms, drawing the blanket over their naked bodies. Kai cuddled into Yamagata's shoulder. Yamagata stroked the boy's head. "There. Wasn't so bad, was it? Don't you feel better now?"  
  
Kai sniffed loudly and started to cry into Yamagata's shoulder. "Huh? Kai! What's wrong?"  
  
The boy snuffled and shook his head. "N-nothing. Just a little....confused, I guess."  
  
Yamagata's gaze softened and he smiled a bit. "Scared?"  
  
Kai nodded and looked up. Yamagata wiped the boy's tears away and kissed him tenderly. "I'm right here. I'll keep you safe."  
  
Kai nodded and cuddled into his lover's shoulder again, drifting off to sleep..... 


	8. Figure 09

(A/N: Thankies for the reviews! ^O^   
  
Tallulah: I'm glad you liked it. ^^ I wasn't sure I did well with that chapter. And as long as Yama's saying Yamagata-ish stuff, we're good, right? If he starts saying Kai-ish stuff, however, we might have a problem....O_o;;;  
  
Celina: So, if I say I'm God, it'll be true? *gets smacked with the frying pan of reason* @_@ Okay, maybe not...I'm glad you like my writing and YES! *dances in joy* Another Kai/Yama fan/believer type person! XD And of course it went from incredibly depressing to incredibly sappy - I am the master of jumping genres! XD Now, this is (in my opinion) gonna get incredibly weird.   
  
Now, on with the fic!)  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 8: Figure 09  
  
Somebody grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, holding him back. "You can't thell them that!" Yamagata hissed at him.  
  
Kai blinked and turned around. "Huh?"  
  
"You can't tell them what we are-"  
  
/What are we anyways?/  
  
"If they found out-"  
  
/So what?/  
  
"I won't have any friends. I won't have a reputation."  
  
Kai furrowed his brow and stared at Yamagata, who looked blankly back at him.   
  
"You can't tell them, or I'll get in trouble-"  
  
Now, where had he heard that before? Oh, right - her. He looked back to Yamagata, retort on the tip of his tongue, but Yamagata was gone. In his stead stood she. She smiled at him and he shuddered, remembering that look all too well.   
  
"Oh, c'mon sweetie, it'll be fun. But you can't tell ANY BODY about this game or I'll get in trouble-"  
  
There it was again. Somebody telling him he couldn't do something because they'd get in trouble. Kai frowned. "Well, maybe I should tell 'em."  
  
/Whoever they are./  
  
His mother laughed. Someone else did too. He glanced back over his shoulder to find Yamagata smirking at him. "You really what them to know you're a freak? Then they'll have a reason to call you that."  
  
Kai shrugged. "They call me that anyways - "  
  
Yamagata's face turned sour, scowl forming on his lips, his eyes growing angry, his eyesbrows knitting together. His voice was deadly quiet. "So, you'd risk my reputation, just 'cause. Maybe you should think about what that'd do to us."  
  
Kai furrowed his brow in confusion. "What are you talking about - AH!"  
  
Sharp claws sank into his back, drawing blood. He'd forgotten her - she'd been behind him all along. Now, she shrieked in his ear and he looked at her, but she was something else noe - some other worldly creature. Her eyes were like slits and sharp fangs peeked out from between her lips. Her complexion was sickly green and twin horns spiralled out of her head. Her hands were skelatal and a spiked tail curled about his neck, choking him. Her eyes blazed with anger. Her voice was like the howl of a gale. "You told! How could you - you told! I'll get in trouble - you told!"  
  
He looked desperately to Yamagata for help, but the other boy was a monstrosity too, sadistic smirk crossing his grotesque features.   
  
The world started to dim and fade to black. Oh God, he was going to die...  
  
The last thing he heard was their voices, shrieking all around him, drowning him in their words. "I hate you!"   
  
And when he came to, the world was black and he was strapped down. Wild drums echoed like death knells in his ears. Grotesque demons danced about him and sang in a strange language that grated on his ears. Fires sprung up all around and wild winds howled. The little ghouls laughed, popping up in his face, scaring his vision. And the world spun and spun, around and around and their voices shrieked still, "I hate you@"   
  
The world spun faster and he was going to be sick, he was going to die. He screamed and the world began to shake. He thrashed against his bonds helplessly, screaming.   
  
"Kai!"   
  
He woke with a start, eyes wide, sweating and breathing hard. Yamagata peered at him, confusion and worry written all over his face. "Kai-koi," he started softly. "What happened?"  
  
"Nightmare, I guess," Kai murmured, furrowing his brow.   
  
Cautiously, he put a hand to Yamagata's face, then leaned in a kissed him deeply. At last, he pulled back. Yamagata grinned. "Good morning to you too - "  
  
"Just making sure you're you."  
  
"And why wouldn't I be?" Yamagata asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Kai frowned again. "You weren't in my dream - "  
  
Yamagata snorted. "It's just a stupid dream, Kai."  
  
"Yeah, well..."  
  
Yamagata slid away from him, off the couch and onto the floor. He looked back at Kai, grinning ruefully. "Don't look Kai - might hurt your virgin eyes."  
  
Kai snorted. Yamagata found his pants and then his smokes, followed by his lighter. He offered Kai a cigarette. The smaller boy took the offer into his mouth. Yamagata lit it for him and he drew heavily on it. Yamagata lit up too.   
  
"The nightmare was probably just a product of all this goddamn emotional stress," Kai muttered, looking to the window.  
  
"Emotional stress? Kai, what the fuck has gotten into you?"  
  
It took a moment for Kai to realize Yamagata was joking. "Don't do that," he muttered, flopping back on tge cushions.  
  
Yamagata didn't reply. After a moment of silence, Kai rolled onto his side. "Do you think this can really work?"  
  
"Sure it can. We just got by obstacle Number One, so we're doing good."  
  
Yamagata smiled reassuringly at him and he smiled back. But deep down, he wasn't so sure.  
  
~*~*  
  
[A/N: Well, that was odd, ne? A little trip into Kai's subconcious - how interesting. R&R please?] 


	9. Nobody's Listening

(A/N: Blah. FF.Net suspended me yet again, thus the "late" update. And on another note, the next chapter is the last, followed by the epilogue and this chapter is extreeeeeeemely short. ^^;;;; Sorry. I probably won't update until Monday, as I have to work two 7 hour shifts the next two days and then two 8 hour shifts. Blah. Part-time job my ass. Oh well, my paycheck will be nice. D  
  
Enough about me! Thankies for the reviews! ^^  
  
Tallulah: I wish my chapters were longer too. But, when I wrote them in my notebook, they seemed so much longer....My handwriting is big and messy and compared to typing, it takes about ten pages of my writing to make up one typed page. -____- Yeesh. The next chapter will be much longer, promise! And I made a link? O__o;;; Wow, go me.   
  
Romennar: Yes, Kai does have weird dreams. Let's all pity him. D  
  
Kai: *decides the sooner Abee is dead, the sooner the world will be safe again*  
  
Err....on with the fic? ^^;;;;)  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 9: Nobody's Listening  
  
The sun beat down on the parking lot, baking the students sitting in it, guarding their bikes. Yamagata was pointedly ignoring Kai, just like everyone else.   
  
Laughter shrieked around him. He looked at the ground, finding himself wishing that he could laugh at the joke too. All in all, the whole situation hadn't changed much. Everyone still ignored him, said shit about him behind his back. Fuck, he was still getting his head bashed in on a regular basis and he was still alone most nights. He still cried most nights.  
  
Yamagata was still with his girlfriend too and that pissed him off. He felt like he was being betrayed- cheated on. He supposed he'd suddenly realized that Yamagata wasn't as great as he'd seemed at first. That was pretty much the only thing that had changed. Oh, and the fact that Yamagata was getting some on weekends and whenever Suki wasn't around. Kai felt like a two-bit whore. It wasn't a nice feeling.  
  
He glanced around at the group, glowering at them. Kaneda was the only one who seemed to notice. The so-called 'leader' paused and blinked. "Something wrong, Kai?"  
  
Kai tightened his grip on the hadle bars of his bike. Some of them were looking over at him - he could feel their eyes on him. He didn't want them to look at him - he didn't want to draw attention. But some little part of him, wasn't connecting with that thought and he found himself saying, in a low, even tone, "Yeah. Everything's wrong."  
  
All eyes were on him now - he could feel them, burning into him. He hated it. They were watching him and he couldn't stand it. He gave Yamagata a pointed glare, then started the bike and tore off before anybody could ask questions, before they could stop him.   
  
Tears burnt at his eyes and he didn't care. He just didn't care. He was so sick of it all. He was just too tired and too drained by it to care anymore. He didn't care.  
  
~*  
  
The Capsules stared after Kai, completely bewildered. Yamagata stared too, but for dsifferent reasons. He understood - he knew what was wrong. Kai's gaze had disturbed him, but not as much as Kai's words.  
  
Everything was wrong? Oh boy, he'd screwed up royally to get a statement like that out of Kai. /So, this has been for nothing?/  
  
Some part of him, deep down, didn't want to believe that. He didn't want it to end. But as he tore his eyes away from the disappearing figure of Kai, he couldn't help that sinking feeling. Maybe, it was time to let go....  
  
(A/N: Yes, short. I told you. I apologize many times over. I'm not really happy with this chapter. *sigh* And if it seemed choppy, I was typing up what I'd written and editing/re-writing as I went. That isn't something I usually do - I screw up the flow when I do that. X3 Ne wayz, R&R? Please?) 


	10. Numb

(a/N: ^^ Thankies for over 20 reviews! ^^  
  
Kaneda-Shotaro and Yami Tetsuo: Glad you like it. ^^ And here is the continuation.  
  
Tallulah: ^^ Glad you like the fic and I'm sorry to say it is almost over...I'll miss it too. *pets poor, poor fic* Maybe I'll write something else...*thinks about such* I agree that the chapter's shortness gave it some sort of...potency...^^   
  
Now, on with the fic!)  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Chapter 10: Numb  
  
Yamagata walked into the apartment, shutting the door behind him quietly. He slipped his shoes off and padded across the floor, eyes glued to the ground. Kai was glaring at him from the kitchen table. He felt so guilty and he knew that if he looked at Kai, the guilt would be unbearable.   
  
He sat down, eyes still fixed on the floor. "Kai -"  
  
"We've got to end this."  
  
Yamagata nodded, trying to keep tears at bay. He'd known this was coming, hadn't he?   
  
"I'm sick and tired of being you're whore, Yamagata. I couldn't be one even if I tried."  
  
Yamagata swallowed the bile rising in his throat.   
  
"This hasn't changed a thing for me. It's just as bad - worse."  
  
Yamagata didn't reply. He felt sick. He didn't want to end this, not now...  
  
"We've never done anything other than screw."  
  
Kai's voice choked up and Yamagata knew he was crying. "That's not a relationship, Yamagata. I don't want this. I want a relationship."  
  
/I'm not what you thought I was./  
  
"When we do it, it's like you're not even there."  
  
Yamagata blinked. "Not even there?" he managed quietly.  
  
Kai looked away, sniffling a bit. "There's no connection, no feeling. You could be anybody. But you're not you."  
  
Yamagata nodded as though he understood, as he tried to wrap his mind about what Kai had just said. "I see."  
  
"Yamagata, I'm really sorry. I thought I loved you -"  
  
Yamagata steeled himself, waiting for the final blow. " -And I still do," Kai whimpered, then broke down, sobbing.  
  
Yamagata blinked several times, trying to process what Kai had said. /Kai...loves me?/  
  
At last, Kai spoke again. "It's just this. It's all wrong and there's nothing in it for me. I feel like this is all about you."  
  
/That's not true! Kai, Kai, it's not true!/  
  
His thoughts flailed in a helpless panic. There was another long, terse pause. Yamagata realized that Kai had no more to say and took it upon himself to continue the conversation. He reached into his jacket pocket and produced a small, gift-wrapped box. He presented it to Kai. The shorter boy blinked in surprise. "Yamagata -"  
  
He looked at Kai and nodded. "I hear what you're saying, Kai. And I'm sorry. I'm a selfish ass - I never thought once about you."  
  
He caught the boy's gaze. "I can say I'm sorry a million times and it won't change a thing. You won't forgive me."  
  
"Yamagata -"  
  
The taller boy walked over to Kai and kissed him chastely on the cheek. He opened the box for Kai and slid the contents over Kai's finger. He headed for the door. He turned back to the startled boy at the table. "I love you, Kai. And...I'm sorry."  
  
"Yamagata - "  
  
The door shuit and Kai stared blankly at it, then looked down at the perfect golden circlet on his finger. It fit perfectly too. He slid it off and realized it had been engraved. The flowing hand of the enscription read "Yamagata & Kai".   
  
Kai slid the band back on his finger and looked at the door, tears brimming in his eyes. "Yamagata - I forgive you."  
  
And he dropped his head onto the table and wept bitterly.  
  
[A/N: Taa-daa. La fin! Yama was totally OOC there. O__o;;;; And I honestly thought this chapter was longer...Onward to the epilogue! R&R pwease? ] 


	11. Epilogue: Hit The Floor

(A/N: O___o;;; If you thought the last chapter was short, you should see this. Wait, you probably can. -___- Oh well, I couldn't think of much else that was needed to be said. ^_^;;; Enjoy the epilogue.  
  
Thankies for 25 reviews! ^O^ I honestly never thought I'd get that many. *sniffles and hands out Yama and Kai plushies to everyone* ^_^   
  
Ch'i elf Luna: I'm glad you like it. ^_^  
  
Tallulah: _ Don't tell anybody about the OOCness....shh...Just kidding. ^_^ *waves YamaxKai flag* Let's hear it for Yama/Kai! WOOT! I'm glad you like the fic and Kai is currently hiding because I'm evil and Yama is contemplating killing you if you so much as lay a finger on said Kai. _ Personally, I think they both need serious help. O__o;;;;   
  
Sailor Yaoi Moon: ^_^ I'm glad you liked it and here's the epilogue. O_o;;; And if this is your fav fic, you'd better check out Tallulah's ficcie - tis the best! ^O^   
  
K.B. 1004 and Rintaro: Glad you like the fic and yes, the world seriously needs more Akira fanfics..._ And being a nutcase isn't so bad. ^_^   
  
Now! On with the fic!)  
  
Just To Tell You  
  
Epilogue: Hit The Floor  
  
Kai stared, wide-eyed as Yamagata went down, panic filling him, fear making his stomach tie itself into angry knots. Tetsuo caught his gaze and grinned sadistically. He knew.   
  
And then, it was all over and he was running from the sight that would haunt him forever. Yamagata was dead. Blood, pouring everywhere -  
  
He could have saved him, but part of, the part of him that hadn't been able to forgive him - it had been in control, had held him in place. And Tetsuo knew and Tetsuo killed him and -  
  
He hated Tetsuo. He knew and he should have let Yamagata be....be...be...  
  
Tetsuo had to die. He hated Tetsuo. Nobody deserved to die like that. He'd forgiven Yamagata completely now. Subconsciously,he reached for the ring in his jacket pocket and slid it over his finger. Sobs wracked his body. Yamagata was dead. He curled in on himself, sobbing into his knees hysterically. "I forgive you, Yamagata, I forgive you!"  
  
~*OWARII*~  
  
[A/N: The true end and how the heck I would make this tie into the movie. Taa-daa. R&R and let me know what you think. ^^] 


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